Bitterly she weeps at night,
tears are upon her cheeks
A wise man once told me, "God doesn't care if the vessel is chipped or cracked, only if it's clean." Those words resonated with me as a young college freshman and have stuck with me over the years. Every time I've fallen short, I've recalled them and been called to repentance and renewal and am continually amazed at God's grace through my own stupidity.
But as I woke myself with my own wracking tears earlier this morning I wondered, what about a broken vessel? Not just one with cracks or chips or dings; small scars that mar the vessel but in the end you still know what it was originally. The beauty of it is still visible in the contour, the pattern and flow are still part of what made it not only pretty but functional as well. No, what about the pile of shards that once made up a vessel; can those still be useful to God?
Intellectually speaking I know God's grace is oh so abundant and I can find Scripture that speaks to His miraculous healing power. Unfortunately, as I lie in bed all I can think is there's no way we're going to find all the pieces to put me back together.
I've spent the last few months trying to hold the big pieces of me together and putting forth the appearance of a vessel. Meanwhile, I know there's broken bits that have fallen beyond my reach. Mornings like this morning are like finding one of those shards with your toe weeks after swearing you swept it all up. It hurts, bad! Partly because it's so unexpected and partly because I'm disappointed in myself for not "cleaning up" better.
I want to be whole again, but I don't think I'm ever going to be the same vessel and some day I'll come to terms with that. My heart aches for my beloved brother and yet I rejoice because God's promises are never failing and never ending. God is good ALL the time and as I travel this road I'm constantly reminded of His goodness. I am so thankful for the husband He brought me who wakes up in the wee hours to hold me. I am blessed with family that will share my burden when it's too heavy. And I know that although this world is fallen and broken, He is returning in glory some day. Until then I'll wait (probably not very patiently) and pray.
